DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our neighbor of 25+ years has been given a very short time to live; the cancer came on suddenly and unexpectedly. She and her husband have been delightful dinner guests, as well as good neighbors, for years. They are good company, and our children grew up together.
She’s quite clearly decided to withdraw from the world in grief. We understand. It’s devastating.
However, this is taking its toll on her husband. He’s lost a good bit of weight and is very likely not eating well. He’s the cook at their house, and a good one, but we imagine neither of them has much interest in eating.
We have offered to cook some good, enjoyable dinners for them both. They’ve declined, very politely, which we can understand. We have also offered to just drop off a basket on their porch and send a text that it’s there.
Might you be able to suggest how we can support our friends -- offer a respite from cooking and tempt their appetites -- while supporting their desire to be alone? We’re dissolving in a puddle of helplessness here.
GENTLE READER: You do not have to assume that the wife is oblivious to all concerns but her own. Try to speak with her alone -- or, failing that, address a note only to her.
Miss Manners would have you assure her that whatever boundaries the couple sets, you will, of course, respect. But add that you would appreciate the opportunity to prepare some meals -- as you are concerned for her husband’s health, as well as for hers.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was in my early 20s, I was returning from a trip to Europe with a friend and we stopped off to stay with her aunt and uncle for a few days. Shortly after we arrived, we were sitting around having what seemed to be a pleasant enough conversation, when suddenly her uncle said to me, “You’re a nice middle-class girl.”
I was stunned into silence, basically. I had no idea what to do or say, or why he had said that to me, but I was definitely feeling plenty on the inside.
Decades later, to this day, this memory regularly surfaces with its accompanying feelings of helplessness and anger, and I always wonder how Miss Manners would have reacted (or not) in my place.
GENTLE READER: “Why, thank you. You are definitely not.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have sold many items locally through ads placed online. Most buyers I’ve dealt with are nice, polite people.
However, there are a few who seem interested, or even excited, about buying an item -- exchanging several back-and-forth emails with me -- but when it’s time to meet for the sale, all communication goes dead.
I’m inclined to write to them, as I find this behavior discourteous, but don’t know quite what to say. What would be appropriate and civil? I realize they may never read my response, but at least I’ll have the satisfaction of expressing my reaction to their behavior.
GENTLE READER: It will be worse if they do read your response. Trust Miss Manners when she says that telling customers that they have bad manners, even if accurate, is both improper and bad for business.