Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My high school bestie, “Kristy,” is visiting Alaska later this summer, along with her 10-year-old daughter. She recently went through a pretty traumatic divorce and very badly needs a break and a vacation. When she first told me she was coming, I was thrilled. We usually only see each other when I go home to visit (we grew up out of state) and she has only been to Alaska once, years ago. On that occasion, she came with her husband. They fought the whole time, kept bailing on plans, and honestly, I barely saw her.
So I’ve been very excited about this opportunity to reconnect. I rented a cabin for a few days during the week she is here. I recently asked about her lodging the remaining nights, and she said she was staying with me. I never offered this, and she never previously brought it up, so I was surprised to say the least. It isn’t the concept of having a house guest that bothers me — it’s the fact that my home is completely inconducive for company. It’s a very small two-bedroom, and while I call my second bedroom an office, it’s really become more of a second closet/cluttered storage space. This means she and her kid will likely be in the living room on the couches or floor for three nights.
I also work at home in my living room most of the time — because the office is so cluttered, which is my fault, but I live alone, so it’s never been a deal. I asked Kristy if she looked at hotels or Airbnbs and she said everything was too expensive. I respect that it is super expensive here in the summer. I also know she has a very high-paying job and made out well in the divorce. So this isn’t a matter of not having money; she just doesn’t want to spend it. She also let me know her arrival and departure times so I could provide airport transport, which are totally awkward times that will interrupt my work day. Again, she could afford an Uber; she’s just depending on me to do these things without asking.
I’ve tried a couple times to nudge the idea of looking at hotels and mentioned how tiny my house is. She’s totally laughed me off or shut me down. Am I out of luck? Should I just suck it up and deal with a few days of crowded chaos?
Wanda says:
Our homes can be our sanctuaries, especially when we live alone, work at home, and have a cozy house that rarely sees visitors. So I understand why her assumption she and her child would stay with you felt intrusive and presumptive. Objectively, it was thoughtless of her to announce she’d be staying with you, versus waiting for an invitation or feeling you out on the matter.
It’s also thoughtless of you to assume she’s making this decision just because of money. How about this: She’s heartbroken and reeling from a divorce, probably lonesome and adrift, and is looking forward to quality time with her oldest, dearest friend. Said quality time will be much more easily achieved and sustained when the two of you are staying together under one roof — even if it is a small roof, and her kid is in tow.
Will it be crowded, awkward, messier than normal, and even annoying at times? Probably all of the above. But it sounds like it’s too late to change plans — unless, of course, you find the three of you another larger, more convenient place to hole up. This is your town, after all. Do you have friends with other out-of-town properties? Any good leads on roomy rentals? Rather than sulking in the tight quarters of your own abode, you could amplify the good times by surprising her with a fun overnight option elsewhere.
Wayne says:
Who cares if she’s broke or brokenhearted? So what if her visit creates some “crowded chaos” or an inconvenience to your sacred schedule? She’s your bestie, her life is upside-down, and she’s practically running to Alaska for some comfort and girlfriend time. And you’re still her bestie, right? You’re still very excited to see her, right? Right?
I think you need her visit as much as she does. Because right now, you’re so caught up in adulting, so blinded by protecting your time and space, and so disconnected from what’s really important in life that you’re having panic attacks about leaving the laptop for an hour to pick your friend up from the airport. Think about that for a second.
Living room too crowded for her and her daughter? Wash your sheets, give them your bedroom, and you sleep on the couch. Too distracting to work with them around? Put on some clothes, pack your devices, and go to a real office or coworking space for three days. Can’t handle that level of change? Fuel up your vehicle and toss her the keys and a list of fun things to do in Anchorage. Plenty of those to keep them out of your hair until COB.
Or here’s a wild idea — take three (just three!) vacation days, be a good host and a great friend, and have some fun with them. A disruption to your rigid routines and time with your best friend is the reboot that you require.