Q: My angry daughter asked me for advice regarding a teacher’s concerned email about my 5-year-old granddaughter (“Lily”) whose behavior is newly unacceptable (talking back angrily, not following directions, etc.). I see in my son-in-law and daughter a very depressed and detached father and a very irritable, stressed out mother expecting a baby. I have observed my daughter being overly harsh and impatient in general - to the point where it intimidates me. Lily’s father is withdrawn.
To suggest this could be affecting their young daughter would, I fear, lead to an angry, unreceptive reaction, and even possible rejection. If I’m this affected, what’s it like for Lily? How do I (or do I?) respond to this?
- Worried Grandparent
A: You sound conflicted because you want to help your daughter but are afraid to upset her. Here’s the thing though: You can be honest about what you are observing while still being kind and generous to your daughter and her husband. Though you won’t be able to control how she responds, you can control what you say to her, and how you say it.
Your daughter asked for advice, which implies she trusts your judgment and is seeking your support in some way. Sometimes, though, when people ask for advice, it may be that they are seeking validation or help understanding the problem they are having. Clarify what she really needs from you by asking her, “I want to help you in whatever way is best for you. Would you like to hear my observations or would you like to vent about what’s going on?” You may even add, “If you aren’t sure what you need right now, maybe I can ask more questions to help us problem solve.”
If she wants to hear what you really think, consider naming your hesitation by saying something like, “I want to be honest since you are asking me to do so, but I worry that this will be hard to hear, and I don’t want to say anything to upset you.” When it’s time to give your honest opinion, be careful not to make blanket, judgmental statements (i.e. you’re always impatient!) and instead focus on specifics. Use I-statements to express what you’ve observed rather than making assumptions. This can sound like, “I know I don’t see everything, but I have noticed that you’ve been more quick to get annoyed with Lily.” When in doubt, ask questions and show genuine curiosity, like, “It sounds like this is a recent change in Lily’s behavior, are there any other recent changes happening at home or with [son-in-law]?” Or, “What do the teachers think is going on? What does Lily say when you try to ask her about it?”
Since your daughter is “sensitive,” you want to let her know you are on her side. This may sound like empathizing, “I know it’s been hard with Lily and a baby on the way. You’re doing your best, and I see that.” Or even responding to her emotional needs in the same way you’d like her to offer it to Lily. This can be by focusing on her feelings, “What are you feeling right now?” Or, “It sounds like you are stuck and feel alone in this. What do you think will help you right now?”
Finally, you may find other inroads to talking to your daughter that feel less nerve-racking for you. For instance, maybe share a story about your own parenting struggles to help connect with your daughter. Or you may share something you read recently, “I started following parenting expert and psychologist Becky Kennedy, and she mentioned that when a child is acting out, it’s important to connect with them instead of reacting/punishing them.”
You may even decide not to talk at all, and instead offer your support in other ways, like by watching Lily to give your daughter and son-in-law some time for themselves. Regardless of your approach, you have to decide how you are willing to support your daughter and whether you are willing to have a larger conversation about what you are seeing and are concerned about despite the risk of her response. Good luck.