DEAR MISS MANNERS: I let a young couple I know use my vacation house. I asked them to bring me the used sheets and towels after their stay, since the laundry facilities at the house are unreliable.
They did as I asked, and also left a bottle of wine with the linens. I assumed our transaction was finished. However, I just got a note asking if I had received the wine, implying that I owed them a thank-you. Do I?
GENTLE READER: Yes, but Miss Manners notices that there are two letters of thanks missing here.
You have made the common mistake of believing that a present given as a gesture of thanks does not require thanks in return. A letter of thanks does not require acknowledgment, but a present does.
And no, it is not an endless cycle: See sentence above.
Speaking of which, such a letter was due from the young couple. The bottle of wine was all very well, but the loan of a house is an enormous present that deserves a written outpouring of heartfelt gratitude.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a full-time, unpaid caregiver for my husband. My days are spent managing his doctor’s appointments and medications, driving him, and making sure he is safe, fed and clean.
On her occasional visits, his daughter has nothing but criticism for me. What is the appropriate response?
GENTLE READER: To give the daughter private time with her father.
When she visits, you should excuse yourself, leaving whatever instructions are necessary for his care. You may have to sprint out the door before she can protest.
When you return, you should thank your stepdaughter for coming, and ask when you might expect her again. You might suggest some times that would be convenient for you to be relieved.
Miss Manners does not want you to think of this as shirking your duty; the change will be good for your husband, as well as for you.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My half-sister is 11 years older than me. As far as I can tell, she hasn’t worked in years, but she seems to have plenty of money to rent a house and travel around.
A couple of years ago, she mentioned that she “now has money.” I asked her where it was coming from, and she just smiled and ignored me.
I am dying of curiosity about how she is supporting herself. Is it rude to ask?
GENTLE READER: You did ask, and your half-sister is not telling. So your question to Miss Manners must be whether it would be rude to keep asking until you manage to break down her privacy.
The answer is yes.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve just returned from having my hair cut and styled. As I waited to pay, the woman in front of me (someone I do not know) turned around and said, “I read an article that said old ladies should not have long hair.”
Somewhat shocked, I turned away and said nothing. It was really unsettling for all present. How would Miss Manners have handled the situation?
GENTLE READER: By saying gently, “There are more important things that a lady should not do.”