Dear Sahaj: Is there a polite way to say I don’t want to buy holiday presents or get any? I’m under enough financial pressure. I feel this extreme pressure to buy gifts when I really don’t enjoy this season. It’s just constant messaging and ads to buy.
Being stigmatized as a “bah humbug” is common at work and with family, but I really do not enjoy this time of year. I feel badgered to have to buy gifts and waste more money on kids, family and friends. My wife is the opposite and she’ll spend. I usually defer to her, but she leaves a trail of debt that’ll take months to recover (if able to).
This isn’t a religious holiday, it’s a months-long sales event, and I don’t want to participate anymore. How do I tell my family and friends to opt me out?
- No Gifts
No Gifts: It can be hard to opt out of something that seemingly everyone else is excited to be a part of, but you shouldn’t have to engage in something that you don’t want to - especially if it’s taking a toll on your financial and mental health.
Instead of simply “deferring” to your wife, have more forthright conversations about the budget and how this time of year makes you feel. She may enjoy this season, but going into debt because of it is only causing problems in your relationship and your future. You want to find a middle ground that is realistic and doable while allowing both of you to spend this time of year in ways that are enjoyable.
Then you can talk to other people in your life about shifting your holiday priorities. Focus these conversations on the time together instead of the gift: “I’m looking forward to getting time with you, and that’s the only present I want!” There’s also nothing wrong with being direct and up-front about your own limits while also being grateful for the intention. This may sound like: “Thanks for the invite! I set a budget for myself this season and I already hit it, so I am going to respectfully opt out of the work secret Santa.” You may even offer an alternative if someone is unwilling to respect your request or is set on wanting to be generous. This can sound like, “If you’re set on giving me a gift, you can contribute to [charity] in my name instead.”
You can suggest doing an activity with family as a replacement for a gift - like volunteering or going bowling - or reducing the amount to spend on gifts by proposing a secret Santa or a budget limit in advance. Regardless of how you approach it, be honest. And be kind and nonjudgmental about how others want to spend this season. This will help minimize your feelings of resentment around this time of year and eliminate stress, allowing you to focus on the parts of this season that do make you happy.
Is there any part of this time of year you do enjoy? Maybe it’s leaning into the seasonal change by slowing down or curling up with a good book? Or is there something you can do differently - like start a new tradition - to help infuse joy into your holidays? You certainly don’t have to enjoy this season - or pretend to - but I sense some pent-up resentment and annoyance that may be making it difficult to enjoy anything about this time of year. Good luck!
Dear Sahaj: Both of my daughters were adopted from China, and my late husband and I are White. They are now in their 20s and entering the world on their own terms.
I have been doing quite a bit of reading on transracial adoption, but most of what I find is Black children being raised by White parents. What suggestions do you have for my personal education to help my daughters better deal with society as “Brown girls?” Thanks for your help.
- Curious Mom
Curious Mom: I admire your motivation to learn more. The truth is, you can read essays, access resources and find information on identity development. But ultimately, what matters is how your daughters feel and your relationship with them.
If you haven’t yet, have open and honest conversations with each of them separately. Ask them about their experience of being adopted and raised by White parents and how they feel about their identity. Listen and reflect, as they may have questions or feedback for you. Your daughters are old enough to tell you how they feel, and each has probably formed her own beliefs and opinions on their experience. If they are hesitant to be honest with you, you may even consider proposing family therapy - with an adoption-competent therapist - to have a mediator who can help facilitate these conversations.
A part of this work is also for you to acknowledge your own role - and biases - in parenting two Chinese, transracially adopted kids. Even if you’ve meant well, you may have avoided race-related conversations in the past and want to admit and acknowledge this with your daughters.
The goal isn’t for you to be perfect or have all the information, but rather to be present and curious. Focus on how you can continue to nurture your daughters’ identity development while being humble and willing to learn and listen. Is there a polite way to say I don’t want to buy holiday presents or get any? I’m under enough financial pressure. I feel this extreme pressure to buy gifts when I really don’t enjoy this season. It’s just constant messaging and ads to buy.
Being stigmatized as a “bah humbug” is common at work and with family, but I really do not enjoy this time of year. I feel badgered to have to buy gifts and waste more money on kids, family and friends. My wife is the opposite and she’ll spend. I usually defer to her, but she leaves a trail of debt that’ll take months to recover (if able to).
This isn’t a religious holiday, it’s a months-long sales event, and I don’t want to participate anymore. How do I tell my family and friends to opt me out?
- No Gifts
No Gifts: It can be hard to opt out of something that seemingly everyone else is excited to be a part of, but you shouldn’t have to engage in something that you don’t want to - especially if it’s taking a toll on your financial and mental health.
Instead of simply “deferring” to your wife, have more forthright conversations about the budget and how this time of year makes you feel. She may enjoy this season, but going into debt because of it is only causing problems in your relationship and your future. You want to find a middle ground that is realistic and doable while allowing both of you to spend this time of year in ways that are enjoyable.
Then you can talk to other people in your life about shifting your holiday priorities. Focus these conversations on the time together instead of the gift: “I’m looking forward to getting time with you, and that’s the only present I want!” There’s also nothing wrong with being direct and up-front about your own limits while also being grateful for the intention. This may sound like: “Thanks for the invite! I set a budget for myself this season and I already hit it, so I am going to respectfully opt out of the work secret Santa.” You may even offer an alternative if someone is unwilling to respect your request or is set on wanting to be generous. This can sound like, “If you’re set on giving me a gift, you can contribute to [charity] in my name instead.”
You can suggest doing an activity with family as a replacement for a gift - like volunteering or going bowling - or reducing the amount to spend on gifts by proposing a secret Santa or a budget limit in advance. Regardless of how you approach it, be honest. And be kind and nonjudgmental about how others want to spend this season. This will help minimize your feelings of resentment around this time of year and eliminate stress, allowing you to focus on the parts of this season that do make you happy.
Is there any part of this time of year you do enjoy? Maybe it’s leaning into the seasonal change by slowing down or curling up with a good book? Or is there something you can do differently - like start a new tradition - to help infuse joy into your holidays? You certainly don’t have to enjoy this season - or pretend to - but I sense some pent-up resentment and annoyance that may be making it difficult to enjoy anything about this time of year. Good luck!
Dear Sahaj: Both of my daughters were adopted from China, and my late husband and I are White. They are now in their 20s and entering the world on their own terms.
I have been doing quite a bit of reading on transracial adoption, but most of what I find is Black children being raised by White parents. What suggestions do you have for my personal education to help my daughters better deal with society as “Brown girls?” Thanks for your help.
- Curious Mom
Curious Mom: I admire your motivation to learn more. The truth is, you can read essays, access resources and find information on identity development. But ultimately, what matters is how your daughters feel and your relationship with them.
If you haven’t yet, have open and honest conversations with each of them separately. Ask them about their experience of being adopted and raised by White parents and how they feel about their identity. Listen and reflect, as they may have questions or feedback for you. Your daughters are old enough to tell you how they feel, and each has probably formed her own beliefs and opinions on their experience. If they are hesitant to be honest with you, you may even consider proposing family therapy - with an adoption-competent therapist - to have a mediator who can help facilitate these conversations.
A part of this work is also for you to acknowledge your own role - and biases - in parenting two Chinese, transracially adopted kids. Even if you’ve meant well, you may have avoided race-related conversations in the past and want to admit and acknowledge this with your daughters.
The goal isn’t for you to be perfect or have all the information, but rather to be present and curious. Focus on how you can continue to nurture your daughters’ identity development while being humble and willing to learn and listen.