Dear Sahaj: I am a woman in my 70s and have been mainly living at S’s house for more than four years, though I do also have my own place. We are both retired. I do most of our cooking, laundry, organizing and tidying up, and he takes care of his yard and sometimes shops.
S has anxiety issues, for which he is getting counseling. He frequently blames me for his upsets. He can’t talk with me about what’s upsetting him but shouts at me and/or stalks off angrily. This happens every day or two. Although I do my best not to let his upsets affect me, it is very stressful. S had three failed marriages and says he understands he is “difficult.”
Recently, I decided that if I’m to continue this relationship, I need a “formal commitment” of some type, such as putting me in his will. I’m simply not willing to be S’s live-in domestic worker with no benefits. He said he understands I expect this in order to continue to “have me in his life,” but he takes no action. I feel this means he is not interested and is simply using me. My close friends say I’m mad to want any form of commitment with S.
I realize that, over the years, S has done very little to accommodate my needs and wants. S mostly focuses on his own needs. I’m a fairly sociable person with a number of friends and family whom we socialize with regularly. He has embarrassed me at times.
Is it worth “waiting” for this guy? I often feel I’d be better off without him, but then he tells me how much he needs me. He’ll be pleasant for a day, and I get comfortable and lulled into complacency again, and I don’t leave. One of the things that stops me from leaving is fear of being alone in my old age.
How can I break this pattern of his frequent outbursts and my accommodation of it? This seems like a pattern of abuse to me. What should I do?
- Pattern
Pattern: You can’t change S or make him more accommodating, but you can change how accommodating you are of him.
Right now, S can’t imagine losing you and is doing the bare minimum to keep you around, but he’s also not having to deal with any consequences if he doesn’t do more. Just because he is aware he is “difficult” doesn’t make it okay. Blaming, yelling and embarrassing you are not healthy behaviors in a relationship, and breaking the pattern means doing something differently.
Because talking to S hasn’t worked, consider other ways to get your point across. Stop doing his laundry or his dishes when he is taking out his feelings on you. Or set some boundaries around certain behaviors you are not willing to tolerate and leave to go to your house when he disrespects or crosses these.
Even with stronger boundaries and more assertive action on your part, he may continue hurting you. The reality is: You keep making concessions for his behavior and there has to come a point where you feel like it’s been enough. How would you know that you’ve reached that point? Is it if he doesn’t put you in his will by a certain deadline? Is it the next time he embarrasses you in front of your friends?
Have you thought about why you’ve let this arrangement continue? Maybe it’s that you enjoy being able to take care of someone else. Maybe it’s that you like waking up in the morning with someone next to you. Maybe there are parts of S’s personality or companionship that bring you peace or joy. You are operating from a place of fear, so consider why it may feel safer to ignore your own needs than to risk losing someone who doesn’t treat you well. Sometimes we stay in relationships because we don’t believe we deserve better. What parts of you are being abandoned when you accommodate S over yourself?
This situation doesn’t have to be all or nothing, but clearly something isn’t working. When you think about your life in one year, how would you feel if you were in the same position you are in today with S? What about five years from now? Ten? It’s an interesting data point that your friends are not supportive. If they are people you trust and whose values you share, it may be worth listening and understanding why they are worried about you. This may be more data you need to feel empowered in whatever decision you want to make next.
You can’t change S. You can just communicate your needs and desires. At the end of the day, if he doesn’t meet them or even care to meet them, you have to decide if that’s enough to leave.