Dear Sahaj: My husband and I, both working professionals, have been together for five years. We have been through various moves and job transitions. However, we always lived in cities and urban environments. My husband was very ready to relocate to the suburbs, and I was not. But he has compromised in many other ways throughout our relationship, so I decided this would be my compromise for him.
So, we recently packed up and traded our city life for the suburbs. However, this move has only exacerbated my depression. I feel as though I am losing a bit of myself. My husband thinks I blame him for moving us here and, in a sense, I do. It has been very tough on our relationship and my mental health.
I miss the quirks of city living, the exciting conversations I could always have with people around me, the diverse perspectives and the energy. How do I cope with this change and avoid blaming my husband?
- Anonymous
Anonymous: First and foremost, take care of yourself in your depression - through journaling, therapy, routine and sleep hygiene. Managing this sadness and sense of losing yourself is the most important thing right now. This change is exacerbating your depression, but you will struggle to cope with the change without strengthening your mental health. It may feel counterintuitive, but sometimes you have to do the opposite of what your depression wants you to do in order to combat it. So when you feel tired, move around for a few minutes. When you feel like lying in bed and isolating yourself, reach out to your husband or a friend.
It’s also going to be imperative to challenge a black or white or overgeneralizing mindset - the very thing depression reinforces. Just because you’re not happy now doesn’t mean you won’t or can’t be happy at all. By tuning in to what your depression is telling you, you can start to parse how much of it is your depression and how much of it is how you really feel.
Consider if there are things you can do to build routine, structure and peace in this new environment. Maybe have a friend come visit or make a list of things you get in the suburbs that you didn’t have or can’t get in the city - like a backyard or a porch, nature and so on. Are there any pros at all to living in the suburbs right now that you can enjoy? Break down your goals so you can focus on what you can do tomorrow and this month rather than thinking long term. This can help you explore realistic and attainable change.
Finally, it doesn’t sound like you compromised but rather gave in to something you didn’t want because you felt like you owed your husband. You’re unhappy, and it’s easier to blame someone else for this than to have to sit in the painful emotions coming up for you. But you have to take responsibility for your decision to “make this compromise,” even if it wasn’t what you really wanted. Why did you feel like you “had” to do this? Communicate how you’re feeling to your husband using I statements. It’s clear that you love each other and have had to each make difficult decisions regarding transitions and changes. Be honest with him and consider how you can work together to find solutions.
You want to give living in the suburbs an honest chance. Once you’ve done that, you can be radically honest if you have and decide you don’t want to stay in the suburbs permanently.
Dear Sahaj: I am an only child coming from a South Asian family. I recently got married and moved out of my parents’ home. My parents - especially my mom - have been attached to me. However, especially after I got married, she is having major issues with lack of control over me. How do you recommend dealing with a narcissistic or controlling South Asian parent?
- Stuck
Stuck: Your mom may simply be overcompensating due to her own feelings that you are now married. Whether she knows she is hurting you doesn’t change that you’re negatively impacted.
Since you’ve moved out and presumably don’t require anything (money, etc.) from your mom, remind yourself that she doesn’t actually have control over you. You’ve created the physical distance, but now you need to create the emotional distance. This looks like finding ways to support yourself through radical acts of self-love and self-care, processing the pain and grief in therapy, learning skills to regulate your emotions and differentiating your feelings and self from your mom’s.
You have to identify the cycle in order to disrupt it. You can love your mom and have a relationship with her - if you choose - but it may have to look different than it has. You can also continue to show up for her without it being all consuming. This is going to require deep work in boundary-setting and guilt management.
You can also shift the way you engage with her to help protect yourself in these interactions. This can look like a tool known as gray rocking, a communication style that involves showing little to no emotion and being neutral - like a gray rock. You share only what is necessary, while nodding and finding ways to disengage in the moment to protect yourself during engagement with your mom. Instead of trying to convince her to see your side, often a hopeless endeavor with a controlling parent, liberate yourself from needing something from her to take better care of you.
Finally, spend some time exploring how this dynamic with your mom may be informing your relationship with your spouse. Confronting your own experiences of neglect and healing from them can help you build a healthier relationship with yourself and in your marriage. Healing from a controlling parent requires interrogating and unlearning your blueprint for what love looks and feels like. Good luck!