Advice

Wayne & Wanda: My colleague’s death has me rethinking my career, with rippling life impacts

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I have been in an upwardly mobile job basically since I finished college, which has resulted in promotions and salary increases — and longer hours, fewer vacations and less work-life balance. The upside of this lifestyle is the paycheck and the security it affords. My partner of many years is an artist who has not had to worry too much about money, which lets her focus on her art. We have one young child together but are not married.

Late in 2024, a good friend and colleague died of a cardiac event. It made me really reevaluate my life. I’m tired of the stress and long hours. I started asking myself, what do I really want? And I think the answer is, I want to work in a way less stressful job. When I was younger, I thought about being a chef. It might sound crazy, but I think I might want to check out culinary school, maybe work in a restaurant or cafe.

I brought this up with my partner and she thinks I’ve lost it. She thinks I’m throwing away years of hard work and if I leave my career, I’ll never get back in again. She wonders how we’ll maintain our lifestyle without my paycheck. I can’t help feeling offended and hurt by this response. She barely contributes financially and that was always OK with me. But I hoped her reply would be that she’d step up to help, or she’s worried about me — not that she questions how we’ll go on if I’m not making money. I know she’s also worried about our child and their security since we aren’t married, so I give her some grace there.

Now I’m questioning my relationship, and my career — I feel trapped in my job and I’m wondering if my partner has just been with me because I took care of her. I’m afraid to even ask. What should I do?

Wanda says:

Making a choice to change careers is a huge deal that demands a lot of consideration. As you’ve outlined, different jobs have different expectations, cultures, benefits and, yes, paychecks. We all choose careers for different reasons. Some of us love teamwork, or operating independently; or being out in the field and traveling, or delving into data and clocking out at 5 p.m. A huge part of achieving job satisfaction is knowing what motivates you, what drives you — and going after that as energetically as you can.

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There was probably a time in your youth when a fast-paced, fast-tracked career life of advancement and dollar signs was the carrot you chased. You’re older and wiser now and you have evolving considerations, like your health and wellness, enjoying vacations and time with your child, and maybe even pursuing a long-cast-aside dream.

But let’s be real about this move. Ditching your current day job for, say, culinary pursuits may ultimately lead to a more leisurely life. It may not. On the onset, there will be long hours learning and training, maybe even formal education. Anyone new to a company or business that operates late into the night — like restaurants — will get the worst shifts, the holiday gigs, the weekends. And because restaurants do typically open early and/or stay open late, this could be a lateral move in terms of work/life balance.

But it also could make you happier if it brings you more joy and satisfaction. It could ease your anxiety after the passing of your colleague as it feels like a positive step. You will have to navigate this with your partner — who, let’s be honest, has had it pretty good these past few years.

Wayne says:

You aren’t even a prep cook yet and I can already smell what’s cooking: a mid-life crisis and/or mid-career burnout brought on by the stress of your never-ending ladder-climbing, the nonstop searching for an even higher gear in career performance, the fulfilling yet unrelenting pressure of breadwinning and providing for your family, the temptation of blowing it all up for a different life, and some in-your-face fears of time passing by so quickly and that it’s all going to end someday. But that day is not today.

And the fact is, everyone has it good right now: you, our upwardly mobile letter writer who has crushed it into exhaustion in your career; your full-time stay-at-home mom/part-time artist/sometimes income contributor; and the child who only knows a life of love, comfort and not wanting for a thing.

So before you resign for 100-level culinary arts classes, perhaps give yourself a mental break, some time to mourn your colleague, and get some perspective and balance back on the big picture. You need it and deserve it. Two weeks in Hawaii sounds nice. Mexico sounds nice too. Hiking and thinking in the silence of Arizona — very nice. Las Vegas, well, that’s a different kind of take-your-mind-off-of-things nice, but maybe that’s what you need? Bring the family, leave them home, or have them meet you halfway in — whatever helps get your head clear and energy back.

Then you can return home fresh to discuss next moves, whether it’s best going back to the grind with a better appreciation for what it provides for you and your family, or blowing things up for a new career and finding a way to make it work. Families do it every day and most survive just fine. This doesn’t have to be a decision between two extremes. You’re clearly driven, respected, connected and great at what you do. Have you considered going solo — becoming a consultant or freelance gun for hire? That could give you full control of your work/life balance while also keeping you in the game you love, and keeping the family in the lifestyle that you all love.

Whatever you decide, continue to communicate with your partner and appreciate that your partner is being honest with you, if not a tad selfish. That’s a foundation for how you all will survive and thrive with whatever’s next.

[Wayne & Wanda: My girlfriend is already melting down about her New Year’s health goals. What can I do to help?][Micro-retirements could be your key to work-life rebalancing]

[Ask Sahaj: We moved to the suburbs, and I’m miserable. I blame my husband.]

[Dear Annie: My retired husband refuses to share the load]

Wayne and Wanda

Wanda is a wise person who has loved, lost and been to therapy. Wayne is a wise guy who has no use for therapy. Send them your questions and thoughts at wanda@adn.com.

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