Dear Sahaj, I am a grandmother to three families with grandkids. Two of them have kids who are generous with homemade gifts, spending fun, quality time with us, and overall, we have a great relationship with them. The other family is my (otherwise wonderful) stepdaughter’s, and she has two kids who have never offered one of their drawings to be taped up on our fridge. My stepdaughter complains that our home is like a tribute to the other grandkids because they give us handmade things for occasions.
I try to treat them all similarly by sending gifts for each birthday but haven’t been thanked in years by my stepdaughter or her kids for items mailed or even given in person. She did text me four months after one of her daughters’ birthdays saying they hadn’t gotten anything from us. Without acknowledgment, we never know. We replaced the gift in person without getting thanks.
I’ve told my husband that their lack of manners has left me resentful and feeling used. He says it’s a discussion he plans to have with my stepdaughter/his daughter, but it doesn’t happen. So the beat goes on the same way. How do I come to terms with two of our grandchildren not being raised to say thank you or reciprocate with a simple gift in return?
- Chewing Glass
Chewing Glass: Since you are urging your husband to talk to your stepdaughter, it makes me think that talking to her directly doesn’t feel totally comfortable to you. Why is that? What has your relationship with her been like historically and how might that be amplifying these issues with her kids? Even more, if there are two parents in the picture, it’s not just on your stepdaughter to raise the kids with manners. Zooming out may help prevent you from instinctually zeroing in on your stepdaughter being the problem.
Your grandkids not “being raised to say thank you” might feel like the problem, but to me, it seems like the issues are your relationship - or lack thereof - with your stepdaughter and your husband’s passivity in helping quell the tension between you and her.
If your stepdaughter is the only stepchild you have, I wonder if there’s something else at play that reinforces this “otherness” she feels. This doesn’t excuse her from any accountability of having to actively bridge the relationship with you and her kids, but it may be possible other hesitations come up for her in a relationship with you, and it surfaces as “complaining” or pointing out how you “do more” for the other kids.
What would it look like to strengthen the relationship you have with her? This may mean making more of an effort, generally, to have a relationship with her, or choosing to focus on the positives in the relationship you do have with her and her kids. If that doesn’t feel like enough, consider being honest with her. Just remember that you want to approach the conversation with care, not with the intention to “prove” that you treat all your grandkids similarly.
You can say, “I love you and [grandkids names], and it’s important to me to have a relationship with you and them. Sometimes, you make comments that make me worry you feel like I love you and [her kids’ names] less than [other grandkids’ names]. I can’t bear the thought of that and wanted to talk about it with you.” You may even go on in the conversion to point out, “Sometimes I feel unappreciated because I don’t hear anything or get a thank you when I send gifts or try to reach out.” The goal here would be to connect with her individually and build a more intimate and generous relationship with her. You may even tell her kids directly, “I’d love some artwork from you to hang up in the house. Would you want to make me something?”
Now, you may decide you want your husband to do the talking or be there when you broach this conversation with your stepdaughter. It’s possible he doesn’t realize how much this dynamic is affecting you. I encourage you to kindly and vulnerably tell him that something needs to change and you would appreciate working together to create a realistic, yet more specific and time-bound, plan on approaching his daughter.
You’ve been stuck in limbo and the only way for something to change is for something to change. So take some time now to consider how you can approach your stepdaughter and her kids differently, or how to have a more structured plan in place with your husband. Good luck!