Dear Wayne and Wanda,
For many years, my best friend has been “Sally.” One year ago, I got married. Up until then, Sally and I were mostly single girls together. There were lots of bad first dates where we would meet up afterwards and commiserate. We both went through the crazy dating apps together. We shared many similar dating experiences, including unfortunate romances with co-workers, or going back to an ex-boyfriend one too many times.
When I met my husband, I knew right away he was the one. I remember telling Sally that and she was very cynical about the whole thing. She reminded me constantly of all the failed relationships and told me not to be too hopeful. But I knew what I was talking about, and I was not surprised when after two years of dating, he proposed.
Sally seemed happy for me and she was very enthusiastic about supporting the wedding and was a great maid of honor. However, now when we meet up, it’s like she doesn’t wanna hear about my marriage. Not like I have much to tell, it’s been very smooth. But it’s almost like sharing stories of my happiness is boring to her.
When I bring up anything about me and my husband, she changes the subject. She always wants to talk about the old days and guys from our past. Frankly, I’m not that comfortable talking about that anymore. I’m not ashamed of anything, but it’s all behind me. I feel like I’m no longer interesting to her.
It’s easy to think she might be jealous, but Sally is a smart woman and I feel like that’s oversimplifying it. Any idea what could be going on here and how I should handle it? We’ve had a long friendship and I don’t want to lose her.
Wanda says:
Female friendships inevitably face a lot of changes as the years pass. Generally, women’s lives are more affected by the subtle and major changes brought on by things like marriage and having children. When one friend goes through these transitions, and the other does not, it can be unsettling trying to navigate new commonalities and patterns. Sally isn’t reverting to the past because she is judgmental of your present or disinterested in your future. She’s defaulting because the past is something you share.
Sally isn’t bringing up the past to make you feel bad or to ignore you. She wants to share stories about things who did together because this is what binds you and gives her significance in the context of your story. The only way to bring her into your present is to make her part of it. You can’t be spectators who occasionally meet up to share information. You have to build new memories together and share new experiences.
With your dating days behind you, establish new traditions and create new experiences with Sally. This doesn’t mean just getting together and sharing stories; it’s about creating new stories. Whether it’s weekend walks or occasional cabin getaways in Girdwood or a Broadway pass to Anchorage’s seasonal shows, sharing experiences today will carry you together into the future.
Wayne says:
I’m no expert on “female friendships,” but I know that relationships evolve, often not at the same pace or on the same path. The friendships that last are the ones where both people work to find trusted, familiar and loving spaces for each other, even as life changes.
Right now, Sally seems stuck in the “two single girls against the world” era, while you’ve moved into the happily married phase. She’s struggling to adapt to this new reality, and it’s disrupting the connection you’ve shared. If this is hard for her now, it will get more complicated as your life continues changing and her single life stays stagnant.
While creating new traditions and interactions could help get you closer, this situation calls for honesty, too. You shouldn’t feel hesitant to share your happiness, and Sally shouldn’t act as if your marriage hasn’t changed your life — and she gave the ultimate cosign as your maid of honor!
It’s time to address the moose in the room. Next time she redirects a conversation away from your present life, stop her and let her know you’ve noticed the pattern. Share how it feels to have your love life dismissed or minimized. And be ready to hear her side — whether it’s loneliness, difficulty relating, or feeling like you’ve moved on without her. These are valid emotions that you can only address if they’re out in the open.
Reality is not all friendships last forever, and almost all undergo big shifts along the way. If this is a friendship worth fighting for, be real with Sally and expect the same from her. It’s the best way to ensure your connection moves forward instead of staying stuck in the past.
[Wayne & Wanda: I feel like I’m losing a great friend and it’s breaking my heart]
[Wayne and Wanda: He dumped me to ‘protect our friendship,’ then moved on with our mutual friends]