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Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’m in an awkward situation that’s getting worse by the day with my fiance’s little brother. I’m so anxious I can’t handle it any more. I moved in with my boyfriend into his amazing downtown condo more than a year ago and things have been great like they have since we met. This fall, he proposed in Mexico and we’re so excited.
But his younger brother and his girlfriend moved back to Alaska late this summer, conveniently into an apartment complex less than a 10-minute walk away. At first, it was fun having them nearby. We’d barbecue and have drinks and just hang out a few times a week. It was all chill and it felt like we were becoming a family.
Well, now it’s like they’re always around more than ever! I know I’m dramatic but it feels like we haven’t had any private time together since the engagement. They of course greeted us when we got back and we had a blast celebrating. But they’re still coming over all the time and they’re doing too much. Sometimes they text when they’re already walking over and always with beers and wine and ready to party. Our condo is the default spot for everything because their apartment is so small and the complex is so sketch.
The worst part is when his brother drops by solo when he’s been drinking. If my fiance isn’t home, he still sticks around and blah blah blahs me to death venting about his job and girlfriend and politics. I don’t feel like I can tell him to leave but he definitely can’t take a hint when I’m carrying laundry around or lying about needing to call my mom or a friend back. I dread hearing the door buzz now and we can’t really hide because of our carport.
My boyfriend is mixed on it all. He knows his brother is a lush and a lot but also thinks he’s harmless and loves having him close after years of living far away. I get it but I also feel like we’ve lost any peace in our home and I’m starting to feel resentful and beyond anxious.
How do I establish boundaries with his brother without burning bridges? And how do I get my boyfriend to align with me on this without upsetting him? I want to respect their bond and be a good host to my future family but I also need for us to reclaim our space and sanity and just have a Netflix and chill night without worrying about invasions or being jerks and ignoring them, you know?
Wanda says:
The solution has to involve your fiance because you can’t reclaim your home all on your own. It’s important you’re on the same page not just about setting boundaries, but about agreeing on household norms and on setting the tempo for your daily lives. Navigating family dynamics can be tricky, but if you’re united on your vision, you can still welcome his brother with occasional open arms and maintain harmony while establishing some peace too.
Sit down with your fiance during a calm moment, free of distractions. Share your feelings honestly but without blame. Focus on how the situation impacts both of you as a couple and try to highlight some ways that he’ll benefit from boundaries. For example, more privacy and downtime would make space for date nights, home-cooked cozy dinners and all-important intimacy. Watch your words and tone, as he’ll no doubt feel defensive if you seem to be accusing his brother of any wrongdoing. Rather, focus on the upsides to couple time.
Once you’re on the same page, have a direct but tactful and kind conversation with his brother. You can frame it as a mutual need for balance rather than a personal issue. For example, you could say you’re trying to be more mindful of your overall health and need more alcohol-free nights with early bedtimes. You could also set some specific boundaries, like you’ve fallen behind on household chores and need more downtime together, so you’ve got to put a pause on weekend fly-bys and drop-ins.
It will take time to establish new habits, but as a unified front and with clearly set expectations, you can get there and find a balance where everyone is better off. Good luck!
Wayne says:
Congratulations, you’ve scored the package deal! A partner plus everyone attached to them: often a gang of lifelong ride-or-die (and can’t-get-rid-of) friends, a handful of crazy or closed-off siblings, a few overbearing or distant parents (and possibly some bonus stepparents and stepsiblings, too!), a range of peculiar relatives, and maybe a lurking ex or two.
Sure, that’s an extreme end of the supporting cast spectrum. Blending into a partner’s family and friends can also be filled with love, fun and support. But it’s usually a mixed bag of bonding and battling, and it’s never perfect. That’s family! And let’s be real: Navigating a smooth, successful relationship is hard enough work for two people before adding a bunch of wildcards to the mix.
It would be easy to say that this is time for big bro to act like big bro/protecting fiance and give little bro a reality check. But then you’d miss the opportunity for you and your soon-to-be husband to make the first in a lifetime of big decisions together and have a tough conversation as a unified team.
This isn’t just about you regaining peace and quality time, which you absolutely deserve. It’s about setting boundaries together, and protecting your space and time together. You’ll surely face it again with close friends, work demands and other family. This doesn’t mean there’s no more hanging with little bro. It does mean no more unannounced visits or expected hospitality on his part. Agreeing to agree as a group that there are times to party or chill together, and time to spend time apart. The conversation may be difficult and even uncomfortable, but it has to be said, and as a team. And it will be a landmark in setting boundaries that don’t just protect your peace, but also teach others how to respect them.