Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years. We both have good jobs, live together, and are happy with how things are in the relationship. We’ve always been social drinkers — on our dates, out with friends, at home, blowing off steam after work and on the weekends. It’s just part of our dynamic. But looking back, it’s increased over time.
Over the holidays, I decided to do Dry January. I was tired of feeling foggy and hungover all the time, my sleep sucked, we were spending a ridiculous amount of money at bars, restaurants and liquor stores, and I’d packed on weight that I knew would only get worse during the holiday partying. When I mentioned it, she laughed like she didn’t take me seriously. That stung. She said I wouldn’t last two weeks. WTH?
Well, I’ve stuck with it, and it’s been easier than I thought. I feel better, she’s eased up and is supportive, my friends are cool about it too. I definitely crave a beer (or four) during playoff football games, but I like how I feel. I may keep it going into February. This break has given me some clarity on how alcohol affects our relationship.
We seem to get along best when we’re drinking, but it’s also when we have our worst (and really, only) fights. The highs and lows feel fueled by alcohol, which scares me. I want to talk to her about it all, but I don’t know how to approach it without making her defensive or sounding judgmental or come across like I’m suddenly changing the rules of our relationship, especially since I’m not drinking right now and she still is. I worry she won’t be open to reflecting on our habits or issues. I don’t want this to divide us but I also don’t want alcohol to define our relationship.
Big picture — I don’t want us to only have our best and worst times over drinks, and I think we can both slow down and find a sweet spot. The topic is so big and feelings so intense that I don’t even know where to start in bringing it up. Or what I’m really asking for, because I’m not demanding we quit. So, how do I bring this up and help her feel safe about talking? No criticism, no ultimatums, no holier than thou. I know it could quickly turn messy and even changed our whole relationship, but I can’t avoid it anymore.
Wayne says:
Well, step one: Don’t talk when you or her are drinking. Step two: Don’t demand cold-turkey quitting, a booze-free lifestyle, or accuse her or you both of having “a problem.” Step three: Remember, this doesn’t have to be an end-of-the-world, end-of-fun ask.
You want to remain aligned with your partner and face change together. Sure, this is a really big change, and good for you for recognizing and being willing to address it. Speak from your heart and share what you’ve recognized: Alcohol is impacting your health, wallet, sleep and the highs and lows (fights!) of the relationship. And ask her how she feels about it all.
Ultimately, this conversation really isn’t even about drinking — it’s about whether you both want the same lifestyle, if you can both be honest about your drinking habits, and if you can make decisions about the future together. If you two aren’t on the same page, if she wants to continue on the same course and you want something different, what does that mean for your future together? That’s a harder question, and I hope you don’t have to ask it. Good luck.
Wanda says:
Such a timely topic for this time of year when more and more people take a break from booze and start reevaluating their relationships with unhealthy habits. Congratulations on successfully taking a month (and maybe more) off! Don’t minimize that or let that accomplishment fade against the pressure and stress of your impending conversation with your partner; that you reversed your daily habits for an entire month is no small feat, and is something many people struggle with.
Also, congratulations on anticipating this conversation with full self-awareness of all the landmines that await. Anytime we approach a significant other with concerns about behaviors that may need changing and patterns that need breaking, it is so hard to use the right words, tone and compassion to avoid the message being diluted by the other person’s fear and panic that things are broken and unfixable and they’re doing something wrong.
Before you broach the topic, though, ensure you’re grounded on what it is you’re asking for. If you just throw a grenade out there — “we drink too much” — she’ll be blinded and faltering for footing. You mentioned finding a lifestyle “sweet spot.” What that looks like needs to be something you can describe so you both agree on the destination before you commit to the journey.
[Asking Eric: Newly married, expecting couple disagree over making loans to a gambling friend]