Q: My wife moved her mom, who has dementia, to our house, as well as her sister and her parrot. Even though I had no choice but to accept my MIL and SIL, I wasn’t asked about the parrot. My wife’s sister more or less controls my wife on financial decisions. For example, my mother-in-law’s Social Security check goes entirely to the house they rent for their disabled brother.
Also, before all of this happened, my wife had allowed her nephew to move into our house knowing that I had reservations. In regards to the utility bills in our house, the entire family claims that all the money they have is to pay utility bills on the rental for their brother.
I know that my wife loves me, but I’m starting to feel that this marriage is more for her convenience. I hope I’m wrong.
- Convenience
A: Having your wife’s family move in and getting no financial support for the extra bills is frustrating. However, this is just an example of a deeper rooted issue in your marriage. When you say you feel like your marriage is for her convenience, what I really hear is you feel like you are being taken for granted.
You should address this imbalance in your relationship, but first a few questions: At what point do you feel like your marriage became one of “convenience?” Is it simply since the family moved in or has it been happening since before that? Have you tried to discuss this shift in your marriage before? You want to take some time to reflect deeply about how you and your wife have gotten here, and it’s important to be radically honest about both of your roles in it. After all, it takes two people to enable and then maintain a dynamic.
While compromise is important in a relationship, so is communication. After spending some time with the above questions, broach this conversion with your wife nonjudgmentally and with kindness. This may sound like, “I know taking care of family is important to both of us, but I feel frustrated by your family’s lack of help with the bills. Can we talk about it?” Or, “When you don’t talk to me about big decisions that also impact me, I feel like you don’t care about what I need or think.” Use I-language and focus on the impact of the situation on you - i.e., that it makes you feel taken for granted or unacknowledged - rather than what she specifically is or is not doing. You may be even more specific and say something like, “I think our financial situation should be just between us. Don’t you?” By approaching the conversation with curiosity, you can hear what your wife is thinking while sharing your feelings. This may help you come up with solutions together.
Even more, a “marriage of convenience” implies a lack of effort to engage and maintain emotional and physical intimacy. You can try to start rebuilding intimacy in the relationship through physical touch or active listening. And you may tell your wife, “I don’t feel like we’ve had time to connect lately. I’d like to plan for some quality time together soon.” Then you can choose an activity or plan a date night together. If this is too difficult, or you are hitting communication roadblocks in the relationship, couples therapy can help.
Remember: The goal isn’t for the pendulum to swing from your feelings and needs being ignored, to them being centered. The goal should be to get to a place where you can both share, hear and tend to each other’s feelings, and find ways to happily and kindly meet in the middle.