Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have been seeing someone for about two months now. From the start, she has always been late. On our first date, she was nearly two hours late. I let it slide, but now that we’ve been dating for two months, I’m seeing that she’s late every time we make plans.
She’s usually at least two hours late. She lives at home with her parents (she is 27) and her reasons often involve getting caught up talking to her mom. Other excuses have included taking time to pack an overnight bag, needing to do laundry, or getting caught up in other chores.
For example, today she was up at 7:30 a.m. and was supposed to be at my place by 10:30 a.m. She said she needed to put her clothes in the wash but instead of doing that right away, she sat down for coffee with her mom for 40 minutes — then decided to put her clothes in the wash! After that, she decided to shower, and at 11:30 she decided to dry her clothes, which took another 45 minutes. Now, it’s 12:50, and she has only just left. That’s more than 5 hours late! I don’t want to come across as selfish or controlling, but I take timekeeping seriously. If I’m supposed to be somewhere at 10:00, I make sure I’m there by 9:45. I hate being late and letting people down.
Another issue is that she doesn’t always take my needs into equal consideration. For example, when she’s out with her friends, she never messages me. But when I’m out with mine, she expects me to check in and gets upset if I don’t. Another example: We had dinner plans tonight, and she wanted to wear a tracksuit to a nice restaurant. I asked if she could wear something more formal, but she refused, saying she’d rather be comfortable. I explained that I wouldn’t feel comfortable if she wore a tracksuit somewhere nice, especially since it’s not what she usually wears, but she didn’t seem to care.
Am I being insensitive in this situation? What should I say to her? What should I do? Or should I just let it go that she never has time for me when she’s with her friends, is always late, and constantly ruins our plans?
Wanda says:
Punctuality is a big deal — to some people. I’m proudly one of them. If you’re not early you’re late, is how I was raised, and I think I do a pretty good job adhering to that. When people make plans with me and are tardy, I’m annoyed at best and borderline angry at worst. So I get why her chronic tardiness — and let’s face it, her super-excessive over-the-top tardiness — is really rubbing you the wrong way.
But punctuality isn’t a big deal to some people or even in some cultures. Times are more suggestions or aspirational targets, versus concrete expectations. And when someone makes it to age 27 with a loose grasp on time management and an informal approach to schedules, they probably aren’t going to change.
So here’s the deal: If you keep dating her, she will probably keep being late. And you can be offended and annoyed, or you can accept this is how she is, and deal with it. One strategy would be to tell her to show up way earlier than you need her to account for her slow pace. Another would be to ensure you have activities and tasks to keep you busy in the chasm between when she’s supposed to show up and actually does so you don’t feel like you’re wasting your time.
Wayne says:
Well, the first red flag flew up when she was two hours late to your first date. Two hours late! And there you were, waiting for her with a smile. You might not have been totally cool with it, but you let it slide. I appreciate that dating is tough and genuine connections are rare, don’t you go on dates so that you aren’t drinking and eating alone?
It’s not surprising that here you are two months later and she’s still two (or five) hours late to everything, and you’re still letting it slide. Sure, maybe some little life hacks will improve her efficiency — Wanda suggested a few, and I’ll add that she could do laundry at your place. Perhaps she suffers from undiagnosed ADHD or a similar disorder and she struggles with distractions and focus — i.e. her constantly getting “caught up” in one thing or another, which eventually, and perpetually, puts her behind. But that’s for her to sort out. You have to realize that there’s a real possibility that she just doesn’t respect you and your time.
And this is a you problem. You might hate being late and letting people down, but you seem to dislike confrontation and communication even more. You need to start standing up for yourself and your standards with this woman and whoever else you date, as well as improving your communication and setting the same expectations whoever you’re dating. If not, get used to a frustrating dating life, my friend. And if you decide to stay with this person and not address the issues, get over it and accept your fate of always being late and always being on her schedule.
[Dear Annie: Why do people feel they have to ask me why I’m not married? And what’s a good response?]
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