Dear Eric: I have been in a relationship with a man going on six years now. I love and care about him deeply. However, we have one serious problem in our relationship. He is always going to his ex-wife’s house. He goes there about three nights a week, coming home drunk afterward.
When I tell him that it really upsets me, he says he is visiting his son (age 27), who still lives with his mother.
I understand that he loves his son and wants to spend time with him. I suggested that he invite his son to his house or go out somewhere. He says his son will refuse and say that the son only wants to see him where the son lives.
His ex-wife gets upset if he spends time with me and tells him that he is choosing his girlfriend over his son.
I’m at my breaking point with him going to her house. He spends almost every holiday with her; she goes to every funeral and wedding with him. I am never allowed to go. He has bought a new boat and kept it at her cottage all summer, and went there most weekends, then told me he wanted to go on the boat with his son and her.
He has also taken her to Las Vegas, saying he felt bad for her. He said he is being nice and not doing anything wrong by going there. He says that he loves me and will stop going there, but then she calls him and tells him she needs help with something, and he keeps going there.
I can’t take it anymore. I want him to have a relationship with his son but not her.
What can I do?
– Left Behind
Dear Left Behind: There may not be “something going on” between your partner and his ex-wife, but there is a whole lot going wrong in this situation. The best paths forward for the two of you may be separate ones.
Let’s look at the facts: he spends nearly half of his weeknights getting drunk at his ex’s house, without you. His adult son supposedly refuses to see his father anywhere but his ex’s house. They vacation together and attend special events together, also without you.
I know the focus is on preserving his relationship with his son, but is he actually committed to the relationship he has with you?
He is treating you disrespectfully. I don’t buy this excuse with his son. I won’t even rent it. I don’t understand why after six years of being together he hasn’t found a way to include you in holidays and vacations. This isn’t a choice between you and them. And if he can’t see that, then he’s not in a place to be in a relationship with you.
Dear Eric: I’ve enjoyed a successful writing career working in many different areas, but now focus on books, fiction and nonfiction. My problem is this: my wife shows zero interest in my work, though I ask for her comments. I value her opinion – I print material, requesting suggestions, but it’s ignored. Yet she remains an avid reader in areas that interest us both. I just finished an eight-book series, three years of work. She has not even glanced at them, hasn’t cracked even one of my 20 books in our more than 40 years together.
Like many writers, I’m hopelessly insecure, and seek authentication, or editing. Am I wrong to expect or hope for this feedback from someone I respect? Or does she silently despise me and my work?
– Writer’s Lament
Dear Writer: Respectfully, if you want editing, get an editor. It’s important for every writer to accept that our loved ones may not be our target audience. This can be a hard pill to swallow. After all, they love us, and we love our work. Shouldn’t they also love it? Kindly but firmly: no. They don’t have to, they may not, and that’s OK.
It’s also OK that you’re feeling insecure, but please try not to put that at your wife’s feet. It’s only going to interfere with your marriage and your work. Instead, remind yourself why you enjoy writing and seek out guidance from a writer’s group or colleague, folks who have the time and capacity to give detailed feedback.
Your wife presumably reads for enjoyment, as many people do. Being handed an eight-book series and asked to go over it with a red pen is fun for some, but clearly not for her right now. It’s rare that wedding vows include the line “I promise to love, honor, and give you notes.” So, let what’s great about your marriage flourish while you satisfy the very relatable need for approval with editors and readers who are hungry for your work.